Temporary Angels--Pseudo Heroes

Throughout my life I have experienced many up and downs. Some of these shaky occasions occurred  in my own life but many in the lives of others. Being a minister for nearly a decade I have walked through some very rough times with a lot of people.  I have witnessed many acts of heroism and charity but I also watched others who would capitalize on the tragedies of others, I tagged these people "temporary angels."They live for those "ups" or those "downs", especially the downs, in the lives of others. They feast on people's misery, consuming it as if it were their own. 

These people rush into the situation (da-da-da-da super hero music) and appear to be a knight in shining armor...they are right by your side, doting over you, the victim of life's tragic realities.  They pretend that they are grieving, and more often than not, they barely know you, if at all. They put on a big show in front of others pirating attention, hoping that they can gain the same sympathies given to you. 

These pseudo heroes also feed off of knowing the details of your tragedy. They seem to pamper and pet you, but the truth is that they are gathering information. They love to go and brag about everything they know and all they've done for you, and the more intimate the detail the more it is coveted by these busybodies....AKA "gossips, blatherers, babblers and back-biters"

I suppose that their life is so void of...well.. LIFE... that they feel the need to feel important. They don't care that they gain "relevance" at the expense of your life's dilemma. No matter the reason, these people can and will cause you harm, if they get the chance, so just beware of these shallow clandestines. They can be very helpful, but if they get what they're looking for, fame--attention--THE SPOTLIGHT, it can prove to be very hurtful to you. 

These "temporary angels" light on you as soon as tragedy strikes in your life... they make a grand entrance displaying their wings and good deeds, but as soon as there is no more glamor to be had they depart as quickly as they came.  You know who the authentic angels are in your life, those are the ones that have always been there for you and will stay even when your life has plateaued. So cherish those and just allow the temps to come in and serve you during your time of need....just remember NOT to "let them in" 

Just Bb

Who The Hell are "THEY" Anyway!

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am constantly amazed and appalled by people who are continuously trying to change others. "THEY" have developed a mold that "THEY" consider to be respectable and acceptable. "THEY" are always giving others advise from their book of wisdom, quoting verses that always start with, "THEY say"....You know what I'm talking about... "THEY" walk up to you and say, with a concerned look, "You probably shouldn't do that...you KNOW what 'THEY' say" [insert pseudo wisdom...pulled straight from their....uh gluteus maximus] .  I just have one question...Who the hell are "THEY" anyway? AND why do "THEY" keep telling me to live my life according to "THEIR" standards BLAH!

Who made "THEY" the all knowing...I thought only Google knew everything!

PLEASE people!! LIVE and let LIVE...it's simple really! Show some tolerance for those that aren't as "perfect" as you!

I am a firm believer that we should live our lives as we see fit, according to our own convictions and credence and we should in turn give every other human the same liberties. The truth is, we have no place in the middle of someone else's life...unless of course they invite us in and ask for our advice, which they may or may not heed.

I am really sick of a society that is constantly trying to FORCE everyone to live by "THEIR" standards and beliefs. "THEY" are the one's that bully others with "THEIR" opinions, "THEIR" beliefs, or "THEIR" perceptions.

When I think of these people I get a visual of a steelworker...a strong man tirelessly beating a piece of metal that he has placed in a fire so hot that it has caused the metal to be manipulated and molded by force. This metal worker will pound and grind until the steel succumbs and becomes exactly what he wants it to be....he's relentless....This is who "THEY" are... The brow beaters, the back breakers, the holier than "THOUs"

I'm simply saying that if "THEY"were omniscient (that's all knowing to "THOSE" that didn't know) "THEY" would know to mind "THEIR" own business and stop pandering to the masses through social media; dropping pearls of wisdom and issuing unsolicited sage advise....

In LAYMAN'S terms ......Please keep your "THEY's" to yourself

Thank you...
Sincerely
Bb

My son, daughter, sister, brother, friend...is gay

Accepting my sexuality and coming out has been the most liberating experience of my life while simultaneously proving to be the most devastating. I will never forget the fears that were choking the life out of me as I began to contemplate opening the door to the closet that I had been hidden in for so long. I first had to break free from the chains of religion and this, next to my decision to accept Jesus Christ, was the most emancipating move I could ever make. It was exhilarating to have finally met someone for whom I was willing to step out of this vault that had become the tomb in which I had buried my identity.

I considered telling those closest to me, I was convinced that they would, after the initial shock, accept me and maybe even be happy for me, but this was not the case. When I walked out of the closet they walked out of my life....I don't understand this, I'm not a different person, the only difference is that they know me better.

I have heard many people say, "Brandiilyne is not who she used to be...she has changed." But the truth is...I DIDN'T change...your opinion of me did. I imagine I was like a beautiful diamond that seemed flawless while on display, but when examined more closely, it was discovered that it had flaws and was devalued. Every diamond is flawed, but what you perceive as a flaw, is what makes me shine...it's what makes me...me! This "flaw" is the place, aside from God, where I find happiness and love. 

Your love for me obviously had limitations, and that has been the most devastating part of this. I have mourned the people that I love more than anyone can ever fathom all the while celebrating life; it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. 

Although I lost many people, there were many who stayed and celebrated with me. People who love the one that I love--This has been a difficult, a monumental learning experience that has become the pivotal point in my life. Despite the pain I don't regret a moment of it.... I do mourn those I have lost, I love each of them just as much as I always have. I wish they would be a part of my life, but I accept the fact that they chose not to be...it doesn't change my love for them. I can only hope that they find the love, the peace, and the freedom that I have found.  

I am writing this blog because it is important to me to try and help someone, who's loved one has "come out", to know that they haven't changed....they have just chosen you to share their hearts treasure with, a treasure that has been buried and hidden from everyone else. They are finally free from a dark, confining place that has held them captive their entire lives and the fear of opening the door and walking out has been crippling. PLEASE don't validate their fears...but celebrate their courage.

PLEASE remember this..."Acceptance is not approval" You don't have to approve of their life to accept them for who they are. So keep in mind, Mom, Dad, brother, sister, friend... they need you now more than they ever have in their lives-- 

To the one struggling to gather the courage to step out...It is true, when I  came out I lost a lot but what I've gained makes it all worth while. I am so grateful for those who have stood by and for those whom I have gained. I have decided that if the people who love me want to be a part of my life, it is MY LIFE that they shall be a part of...nothing more, nothing less. 

Just Bb 

The Preacher or the Whore?

So Jesus had been invited to a dinner party at the home of the respected religious leader Simon, the Pharisee. This was not as odd as you may think, after all these men did have a lot in common. We, as Christians, know just how different these two men actually were, but we never look at the things they had in common. They were both devout Jews who followed the teachings of the Torah. They were both respected men of God, and they were both teachers. They were, what we would call here in the South, "preachers." 

I, being a preacher myself,  have sat at many tables with countless preachers and I'm sure these two were talking about the things they did have in common...Scripture, sermons, and exchanging "preacher" stories and experiences. Simon was, like most preachers, curious and probably a little suspicious of Jesus' knowledge of the Scriptures.  I would imagine, as did most of the Pharisees, that he was trying to trap Jesus and catch Him saying or doing something wrong, in an attempt to discredit Him.  

As they sat having what I'm sure was a deep conversation, in walks this woman and not just any woman, but a sinful woman. This was an audacious move, to say the least. This woman was risking her very life as she walked boldly into Simon's home. As she crossed the room she was weeping uncontrollably, Im sure some of those tears were a result of Jesus' presence but, being a sinner myself, I believe that some were from the overwhelming fear and questions that were raging through her. Fear that maybe Jesus isn't who she thought, or maybe He's really just like the rest of the "preachers" who made it a point to separate themselves from people like her. I'm sure that voice in her head was saying, "What if He rejects you too?" and "What if He too thinks that you're nothing more than an abomination?" and "Will He rebuke me...reject me...condemn me?" 

 I can only imagine the fears that this woman was experiencing! But she had heard that Jesus was different from all the other preachers, she had heard about His grace and mercy, and she was willing to take a chance that these rumors were true and for the first time in her life she had a ray of hope...hope that she would be accepted and embraced. Maybe Jesus would see her as a person and not a whore, and love her unconditionally. So despite all her fears, and how the rest of the preachers had condemned her, she pressed through!

This woman had an alabaster jar in her hands, this jar held her life's treasure and through the tears that blinded her, the fears that engulfed her, and the questions that taunted her she proceeded to Jesus. The moment she reached Him she fell on her knees and began washing His feet with her tears. She broke the valuable jar and lavished His feet with this expensive perfume that it held. 

Simon is watching what he considers a vulgar scene as this whore dries Jesus' feet with her hair...In his mind he's thinking that Jesus can't be a prophet, if He were He would know that this woman was sinful. [It's funny to me that Simon, not only thought that Jesus was an impostor  but he obviously thought that He was stupid as well, because you didn't have to be a prophet to know that this woman was a whore!]

Then Jesus, knowing what Simon was thinking, told a parable: 

 “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.” “Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied. Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?” Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”  

“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. "I tell you, her sins—and they are many— have been            forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” Luke 7:41-50 NIV

So who sinned more.... The Preacher or the Whore?

Judging from the blatant display of love from the whore and the obvious disregard from the preacher, and according to this parable, the whore was forgiven more.  But in reality the only difference between the preacher and the whore, was not the amount of sin...it was not even the type of sin...(SIN is SIN) The difference was humility and honesty, the whore knew who she was and acknowledged her sin, the preacher however thought he was righteous and sin free....

As Christians how many times have we passed judgment and separated ourselves from people who we considered sinners? Are you guilty of this?? (shamefully lifts hand) As I read this story, I recognized the times that I acted as the Pharisee...I can clearly see the times that, due to religion, I caused more harm than good because I, like Simon, had exalted myself and become SELF-righteous.... for this I sincerely apologize 

After experiencing this same rejection and condemnation suddenly I have found myself in the shoes of the whore and I'm humbled...I know that I too am a sinner and the only thing good in me is Jesus!! 

 As you read this I ask you to step into the shoes of the whore... I hope that you see that sometimes you might find a preacher or two that reject you because you're a "sinner", BUT remember....Jesus never rejected anyone and He never separated Himself from anyone and He will never reject your or separate Himself from you! 

PLEASE don't judge or weigh the love of Christ based on the actions of a human... there is NO comparison, because we are just that...HUMAN and just because we are "preachers" or Christians doesn't mean that we don't fall WAY short of Christlikeness.  Jesus' love, His grace, and His mercy are bigger than we can even begin to imagine! PRESS through and walk past the Pharisees He's waiting for you! 

Just Bb

Pastor? or Gay? A Real Life Identity Crisis

Am I a Pastor? OR am I gay?

Am I an anointed woman of God or an abomination?

This is the question that tormented me as I began to honestly evaluate my heart earlier this year. I have been in ministry for years and just to catch you up on my story, I had been a drug addict for 17 years prior.... I began using drugs at the ripe ole age of 11, and on Sept. 26th 2003 I met God and instantaneously I was delivered from that seemingly lifelong addiction. Almost immediately, I felt the call of God on my life and 2 short years later I founded a very successful ministry for addicts. It was an extraordinary story about a 28 year old junkie that, by the grace and power of God went from the pit to the pulpit.  This was my identity, I was Pastor Brandiilyne founder of Dying To Live Ministries.

A couple of years into my ministry I lost someone who was just getting their life on track and I realized that I had to do more so I began to tirelessly raise funds to build the Z.A.C (Zeal And Compassion) Recovery Center for Women, and the month before it was to open I walked into a local gym to ask for a donation. I knew that when these ladies got clean and healthy that they would probably put on some weight and I also knew what exercise does for the body and brain, so I thought I would take a shot and ask for free memberships for the clients of the ZAC Center. That is the day that I met Susan....

As time passed I began to spend more time at the gym with the "ZAC girls" and in turn spending time with Susan. She and her partner were going through a devastating break up and I could see the agony and depression that was overtaking her. As a minister I immediately began to try and help her, so we spent a lot of time talking, she did most of the talking, I mostly listened. Susan began to come out of her depression and I could see that she was beginning to heal.

We became great friends, and had some great conversations and before I knew it I started developing strong feelings for her....  Oh WAIT a minute!!!! This CANNOT happen---WHAT is going on?!!! I began to wrestle with these feelings and emotions and with MYSELF!!! So I gathered myself in the midst of this turmoil so that I could clearly and honestly evaluate my heart...I am having a real life identity crisis and I need to know if this is just a phase or if I have something deeper....Little did I know that I was about to embark on one of the most important journeys of my life...self-discovery

As I trekked back and looked on ALL my past relationships, I began to realize just how uncomfortable I was with ALL the men in my life....I NEVER connected with a single one of them...I was an addict, I was depressed, and I hated ANY physical contact with men...I just did what I thought I had to do. So this brought me back even further...when did I start using anyway?... and this triggered a memory that I had hidden, tucked far far away--My best friend (a girl) and I made out when I was 11, and we got caught!! I remembered the shame that I was made to feel and it was almost immediately after that when I started using....Oh geez  AND I have ALWAYS been attracted to women, but only a certain type of woman, and they were ALWAYS attracted to me....I had convinced myself that everyone admired people of the same sex....they just wouldn't admit it!

It was as if everything began to unfold and I started to see a clear picture of what's really going on... I'm finally finding out who I really am? So I took an honest look at my marriage. The marriage that was practically NON existant, we haven't had any physical contact in years and I realized that this was my first attempt at a "sober" relationship and it, like ALL the rest had failed miserably....every time we would attempt to get close it was SO awkward and unnatural that neither of us felt comfortable, so we just stopped trying! I just threw myself into work and stayed busy with my ministry...avoiding the marriage all way around!

NOTHING, as far as relationships go, in my life have been right thus far!!! But when I'm with her, everything seems perfect! For the first time in my life I am truly comfortable with someone...and all we have done is talk! She has NO idea how I feel, as far as she's concerned I'm the straight married pastor! OH MY!!! How on earth am I going to tell her...can I tell her...or do I remain where I am...lying to myself...and everyone around me about who I am....I haven't been happy like this EVER and she is the source of that happiness!! I've got to tell her--


I was falling in love...with a woman?!  Oh, This can't happen, I'm not only married but I'm a Pastor! Needless to say my whole world seemed to be crumbling around me, my whole belief system was shaking--

No one could ever know, not her, not him, not anyone....so alone I was wrestling with myself. BACK and FORTH and over and over again I questioned everything...Who AM I anyway? Everything I had been taught was echoing in my head...but why is this so right, if it's so wrong? Why is it so wrong, if it's so right?

Despite the obvious difficulties and obstacles..not to mention the scandal that is quickly developing in this situation, I feel as if I have broken free from something! I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders...a weight, I was so accustomed to that I didn't even realize I was carrying, was removed and for the first time I didn't care what everyone would think or how they would react!

NOW...to tell Susan (gulp)

All this stress had begun to take its toll on me and one day I almost passed out at the gym, Susan put me in her car and drove me home....but no one was there so she took me to her house. I HAD to tell her this was killing me! So finally I just came out and said, "I love you! I know it's crazy but I'm just crazy about you!!" Her response was NOT at all what I expected....she quickly sat up and said, "HELL NO!!" "I cannot let you ruin your life....you have this great thing going on and I will not let you do this!" Imagine my surprise...But we left it at that and decided to just remain friends, but that of course was not possible...I could no longer live a lie so I decided despite everything that I had to be myself!

When I came out everyone freaked out! They said that I was back on drugs....they said that this is just a midlife crisis (I'm 37 geez) they said I was having a mental breakdown, they said that it was a "phase"...OH and my favorite...it's a demon

But they don't know about my life's struggles, and I know that they will never understand but I am who I am....I guess I always knew deep down, but denial had become my partner and we danced together most of my life. But when I met Susan I found my real life partner and for the first time everything is right!

The moment that I got honest with myself is the moment that I found myself....and the moment that I accepted it was the moment my life lined up and began to make sense! WOW....what a discovery ;) It was a freedom that I can't even explain!

Now what about my faith? Can I be a Pastor and be gay??? Absolutely I can and I am--
For God's gifts and calling never change.--Rom 11:29 (just an interesting irony my birthday is 11-29) 

Just Bb 

Back of the Bus...Please

Growing up in South Mississippi I have witnessed and, if I'm completely honest, been a part of many acts of racism. I grew up listening to most of the adults around me spit out racial slurs while they exalted themselves and their race as supreme. I remember thinking at a very young age how ridiculous and inhumane this really was, but at the same time I was conforming to the mindset. When I was very young I would look at black children, and because of what I had heard my entire short life, I would think they were bad so I was somewhat afraid to get close to them...then one day when I was about 12 I actually met several people who laid all those fears and biases to rest. I began to see people's hearts and not their skin color.

I remember studying the Civil rights movement and hearing about the cruelty of discrimination and segregation ... It did something to me when I thought about another human being who was forced to sit in the back of the bus, or drink from a separate water fountain...I grew to hate racism. I could only sympathize with them because being a young white girl I had never, nor did I ever expect to experience such discrimination. UNTIL....

... I got saved at a church where all races were welcome, it was part of their "vision", having a church in South MS that wasn't segregated. This church was very diverse and it was great to see people of all races come together in harmony...NO "sitting in the back of the bus" there.  The motto was "Reaching for those that nobody wants; God turns them into people that everybody wants" It was refreshing. UNTIL....

 I came out...and SUDDENLY (dramatic music)  I could no longer have the "Living Water" but I was quarantined...isolated...rejected! I found myself being forced to drink from a separate water fountain....I was now an abomination, detested by those who had somehow become superior to me. My "robe" had been reduced to filthy rags while theirs remained stainless and white! I was reduced to an imbecile who no longer deserved or even had any right to Jesus Christ...much less come into His church.

My sympathy for those who had suffered from intolerance and prejudice was quickly turning into empathy, suddenly I could somewhat relate to how it must have felt to be turned away... to be hated because of something that you cannot change... to be judged and condemned because you were different. I found myself ducking and almost cowering down because of the shame they heaped on me. They quickly segregated me, warning others to stay away or catch the gay....This started to get to me...maybe I was inferior...maybe God rejects me too...maybe the Living Water is off limits to my kind... It was then that I refused to allow my life to be reduced to sipping Evian!

I AM a Christian and I will not allow some "holier than Thou" christian chauvinist to force me to the back of the bus! I WILL NOT drink from a separate water fountain!!! Because NOTHING neither life nor death, nor angels nor demons (nor religious supremacists) can separate me from Christ!

Day after day I talk with young people who are tormented by these sectarians and their bigotry that condemns them to a life VOID of Christ, and doomed for hell! If I hear another fanatic shout REPENT at me, or anyone else for that matter, one more time so help me they themselves will be repenting as they TURN and run because I might just lose ALL my religion (pun intended)... Jesus Christ called us to love NOT condemn.... NO one has the right to try and take my Savior away from me, because if I recall correctly that "Living Water" lives inside of me and I shall NEVER thirst again because He will NEVER leave NOR forsake me-- How about you shout I LOVE you and so does Jesus, wait better yet  embrace people don't say I LOVE you show them.

Just Bb 

Sooo I'm the pervert???!!!

When I met my partner, I met my soulmate. Susan and I have something so amazing that we often ask ourselves, "is this real?" We fit together consummately and compliment each other perfectly. We adore everything about one another, she loves me and I love her... 

We enjoy everything, as long as we're together...even cleaning our house! (yes..we're weird) We study one another, dote on one another  and we KNOW each other so well, that neither of us has to ask what the other needs or wants...when she walks into the room I fall in love all over again. It's an epic love story...sounds cheesy I know... you should see us together. (YEAH--yeah I know....we even make fun of ourselves LOL) 

The people that know us and love us can clearly see that what we share is special! They recognize that we make each other obliviously happy...they know that we complete one another! SO here's my question...

WHY does everyone else think that we are open to anything??? It amazes me that people assume that because I'm a lesbian that I am some hyper sexual pervert that is up for anything!!! Just the other day someone  (I used to go to CHURCH with) approached me and asked me to shoot some videos (porn) with him and his fiance'!! EXCUSE ME??!!! Seriously!! I don't know what your STRAIGHT relationship is all about but what I have is soooo much more than sex! 

We have what most people search for their entire lives and NEVER find! I will protect this relationship with EVERYTHING that I have, and for you to have the gall to try and undermine it reveals your character... or lack thereof. 

I find it humorous, and even somewhat ironic that people think that I'm the perverted one, when THEY are the one's who, when they see us together, go immediately to our bedroom in their TWISTED imagination!! I must say that when I see a couple {gay or straight} I NEVER fantasize about their sex life EEWW-- So tell me WHO'S perverted? GET out of my bedroom you sick-o!! UGH!!!! 

I know that most people don't understand and some even believe that what we are doing is a carnal sin...and it's ok for you to feel that way! You don't have to approve of my life to accept it...because it's NOT going to change and my love for her will NEVER waver! 

I AM in LOVE.... I have found the person that completes me!

 I hope that this paints a different picture for you about homosexuality! DROP the stereotypes because, as stereotypes go, IT IS INACCURATE!! What I have is not sick, twisted, or perverted but beautiful, exquisite, and precious!

 If you would look beyond our gender and look at our hearts you would see the symmetry and harmony that we generate, and once you recognize it you wouldn't dare attempt to harm or contaminate it; it is a thing of beauty. We have what most people want--TRUE LOVE--you don't have to understand it or even approve of it all I ask is that you respect it! 

Just Bb