Pastor? or Gay? A Real Life Identity Crisis

Am I a Pastor? OR am I gay?

Am I an anointed woman of God or an abomination?

This is the question that tormented me as I began to honestly evaluate my heart earlier this year. I have been in ministry for years and just to catch you up on my story, I had been a drug addict for 17 years prior.... I began using drugs at the ripe ole age of 11, and on Sept. 26th 2003 I met God and instantaneously I was delivered from that seemingly lifelong addiction. Almost immediately, I felt the call of God on my life and 2 short years later I founded a very successful ministry for addicts. It was an extraordinary story about a 28 year old junkie that, by the grace and power of God went from the pit to the pulpit.  This was my identity, I was Pastor Brandiilyne founder of Dying To Live Ministries.

A couple of years into my ministry I lost someone who was just getting their life on track and I realized that I had to do more so I began to tirelessly raise funds to build the Z.A.C (Zeal And Compassion) Recovery Center for Women, and the month before it was to open I walked into a local gym to ask for a donation. I knew that when these ladies got clean and healthy that they would probably put on some weight and I also knew what exercise does for the body and brain, so I thought I would take a shot and ask for free memberships for the clients of the ZAC Center. That is the day that I met Susan....

As time passed I began to spend more time at the gym with the "ZAC girls" and in turn spending time with Susan. She and her partner were going through a devastating break up and I could see the agony and depression that was overtaking her. As a minister I immediately began to try and help her, so we spent a lot of time talking, she did most of the talking, I mostly listened. Susan began to come out of her depression and I could see that she was beginning to heal.

We became great friends, and had some great conversations and before I knew it I started developing strong feelings for her....  Oh WAIT a minute!!!! This CANNOT happen---WHAT is going on?!!! I began to wrestle with these feelings and emotions and with MYSELF!!! So I gathered myself in the midst of this turmoil so that I could clearly and honestly evaluate my heart...I am having a real life identity crisis and I need to know if this is just a phase or if I have something deeper....Little did I know that I was about to embark on one of the most important journeys of my life...self-discovery

As I trekked back and looked on ALL my past relationships, I began to realize just how uncomfortable I was with ALL the men in my life....I NEVER connected with a single one of them...I was an addict, I was depressed, and I hated ANY physical contact with men...I just did what I thought I had to do. So this brought me back even further...when did I start using anyway?... and this triggered a memory that I had hidden, tucked far far away--My best friend (a girl) and I made out when I was 11, and we got caught!! I remembered the shame that I was made to feel and it was almost immediately after that when I started using....Oh geez  AND I have ALWAYS been attracted to women, but only a certain type of woman, and they were ALWAYS attracted to me....I had convinced myself that everyone admired people of the same sex....they just wouldn't admit it!

It was as if everything began to unfold and I started to see a clear picture of what's really going on... I'm finally finding out who I really am? So I took an honest look at my marriage. The marriage that was practically NON existant, we haven't had any physical contact in years and I realized that this was my first attempt at a "sober" relationship and it, like ALL the rest had failed miserably....every time we would attempt to get close it was SO awkward and unnatural that neither of us felt comfortable, so we just stopped trying! I just threw myself into work and stayed busy with my ministry...avoiding the marriage all way around!

NOTHING, as far as relationships go, in my life have been right thus far!!! But when I'm with her, everything seems perfect! For the first time in my life I am truly comfortable with someone...and all we have done is talk! She has NO idea how I feel, as far as she's concerned I'm the straight married pastor! OH MY!!! How on earth am I going to tell her...can I tell her...or do I remain where I am...lying to myself...and everyone around me about who I am....I haven't been happy like this EVER and she is the source of that happiness!! I've got to tell her--


I was falling in love...with a woman?!  Oh, This can't happen, I'm not only married but I'm a Pastor! Needless to say my whole world seemed to be crumbling around me, my whole belief system was shaking--

No one could ever know, not her, not him, not anyone....so alone I was wrestling with myself. BACK and FORTH and over and over again I questioned everything...Who AM I anyway? Everything I had been taught was echoing in my head...but why is this so right, if it's so wrong? Why is it so wrong, if it's so right?

Despite the obvious difficulties and obstacles..not to mention the scandal that is quickly developing in this situation, I feel as if I have broken free from something! I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders...a weight, I was so accustomed to that I didn't even realize I was carrying, was removed and for the first time I didn't care what everyone would think or how they would react!

NOW...to tell Susan (gulp)

All this stress had begun to take its toll on me and one day I almost passed out at the gym, Susan put me in her car and drove me home....but no one was there so she took me to her house. I HAD to tell her this was killing me! So finally I just came out and said, "I love you! I know it's crazy but I'm just crazy about you!!" Her response was NOT at all what I expected....she quickly sat up and said, "HELL NO!!" "I cannot let you ruin your life....you have this great thing going on and I will not let you do this!" Imagine my surprise...But we left it at that and decided to just remain friends, but that of course was not possible...I could no longer live a lie so I decided despite everything that I had to be myself!

When I came out everyone freaked out! They said that I was back on drugs....they said that this is just a midlife crisis (I'm 37 geez) they said I was having a mental breakdown, they said that it was a "phase"...OH and my favorite...it's a demon

But they don't know about my life's struggles, and I know that they will never understand but I am who I am....I guess I always knew deep down, but denial had become my partner and we danced together most of my life. But when I met Susan I found my real life partner and for the first time everything is right!

The moment that I got honest with myself is the moment that I found myself....and the moment that I accepted it was the moment my life lined up and began to make sense! WOW....what a discovery ;) It was a freedom that I can't even explain!

Now what about my faith? Can I be a Pastor and be gay??? Absolutely I can and I am--
For God's gifts and calling never change.--Rom 11:29 (just an interesting irony my birthday is 11-29) 

Just Bb